Tenoukii 0 Report post Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) Eira Synopsis: Our world is dying. The life force that runs through our world is being poisoned. Everyone is looking at us. They are begging us to cure this world. What choice do we have? If this world ceases to exist, we do too. How the Elves came to be is unknown. We are unsure of or purpose, unsure of why we are here. But one thing we are sure of... This world is our home, and we will defend it with our lives. My name is Eira, and this? This is my story. Credits: Tenoukii - Story & Development Ccoa - Scripts Kellessdee - Scripts ParaDog - Scripts Game Page: http://www.gdunlimited.net/games/eira Edited February 6, 2014 by Tenoukii Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ShinkuAura 15 Report post Posted February 6, 2014 It's good to see that people are using the Game Page. I am a writer, i like to write what i imagine. I'm open to write something of your story. well if you want me too. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tenoukii 0 Report post Posted February 6, 2014 (edited) Well that's perfect since my writing skills have gone to pot! :grin: I'm just making some minor changes and then I'll post what I've got. It'd be real helpful if you could take a look over it and make some notes on waht I can change writing wise? Thanks! :) EDIT: Changes made and the demo-y things on the game page :) Edited February 6, 2014 by Tenoukii Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ShinkuAura 15 Report post Posted February 7, 2014 Our world is dying. The life force that runs through our world is being poisoned. Everyone is looking at us. They are begging us to cure this world. What choice do we have? If this world ceases to exist, we do too. How the Elves came to be is unknown. We are unsure of or purpose, unsure of why we are here. But one thing we are sure of... This world is our home, and we will defend it with our lives. My name is Eira, and this? This is my story. Okay, i downloaded your game and as expected less then an hour. I see where you are going with this story. However i have to be brutally honest with you. This story of "the world dying and the life force of the world is poisoned" is already used a lot in many games. Take Final Fantasy VII for example. It has the same story concept but it doesn't have Elves. I don't want you to change your story settings because i am not developing this game in any reason. If you do decide to use this story concept go ahead; I've seen games that use the same story concept and have success using the same formula. I do have to give you feedback with this story concept. Even if you are using a cliche story-line, i do suggest you to make the character background that makes the story more interesting. Right now i'm guessing that the game is still in-development stages and i cannot comment on further stuff. Your main character "Eira" could become the main interest of the whole game but be sure to focus the game on other characters and not just Eira. Maybe it could be Eira's first love or an important loss. Come up with something that you feel that it's correct and that it's suppose to be in-game. One last thing, I realized that your cut-scenes are simplistic, which for me is not bad, but if you want the game to be more lively add more detail to the cut-scenes if you can. If you execute your game correctly we may have a huge success of a game here. The game has a lot of hidden potential, i can see it from the developer's point of view. Well that's my feedback, i hope i wasn't so harsh with you. if i was i'm really sorry and don't be sad if i was. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tenoukii 0 Report post Posted February 7, 2014 Thanks for the comments ^^ I know the cutscenes are really simple, I've been sat here for ages thinking of how to improve them, but I've drawn a blank, so I'm open to suggestions from everybody on how I can jazz them up a little. I'm trying to develop some form of a base and hoping that'll get my brain working again xD Overdone storyline... I can agree with that. I will try to slot in some other side-stories as I go on a bit. I haven't really played FFVII, but I was thinking it was going more down the lines of FFIX (Elves were put on the world [we'll call it Earth for now] by some crazy dude who wanted to take over but they chose their own fates and his plan backfired so he's just gonna try and destroy the whole place because he's a loopy Lou) But, thank you again, your comments have been duly noted ^^ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
