Some literary analysis please

[LaDestitute 3]

I wrote this plot two years ago for my first RPGM project, I like some LA please. Also, if you like, I also have several concepts in my head.

 

There exists a magical world know as Altaria. The people of Altaria relied on 7 Mana Spirits for most things...the mana spirits. Fire, Earth, Water, Storm, Ice, Light, and Darkness. Strange occurrences have occurred on Altaria, and the spirits have been imprisoned by strange malevolent entities. What's going on, and is this man (Edmund) linked to all of these events is he merely a puppet to these dark events?

The young boy, decides out of his own curiosity; decides to check out what's going on, not aware he gets himself thrown into a whole world-wide calamity.

[Tomo2000 60]

I will take it you are either around the age of 12 or get D's in English. I like the idea of the storyline and have re-written it to make a bit more sense and sound a bit better. Here is a slightly better version:

 

" There exists a magical world know as Altaria. The people of Altaria relied on 7 Mana Spirits for most of things; food, water, safe-being. These 7 Mana Spirits all had different elements to represent themselves; Fire, Earth, Water, Storm, Ice, Light, and Darkness.

 

Something went wrong, however. Strange occurrences have occurred on Altaria and the spirits have been imprisoned by strange, malevolent entities. These entities are nothing the world of Altaria has ever seen before. Why are they here? Where did they come from? What do they want? And is the man known as Edmund linked to all of these events Is he just an innocent bystander... Or something more sinister; a meer puppet to these odd events...

 

A young boy, out of his own curiosity, decides to investigate the matter thurther, totally unaware he gets himself thrown into a whole world-wide calamity."

 

Do you like it? I'd love to see your other concepts, also. This game sounds pretty good :D . I am also very talented when it comes to eventing so if you need any eventing help just ask.

[LaDestitute 3]

Well, I'm moderately autistic, so even though I have very good grammar and spelling (although my reading level is grades higher than others), I have trouble with english, and math. And I'm 17. >_>

 

I actually had some scrapped idea I had decided to put in, but I was too ffar along the game's development, but I might put them back in.

 

100s of years ago, when supposedly humans began to evolve from their primate ancestors, as a side-effect from the hunter/gatherer theory, humans began to develop the ability to control the elements and nature slowly. When humans became aware of this, they began to call themselves (well, the group that could use these special mutations) Defts, which is a word that means "very able" or "skill". Eventually, this extradnary skill began to branch out into more specific forms: the ability to convert natural materials into spheres full of the elements, which the Defts dubbed Augury Spheres (I originally picked Mana Spheres, but it seems too cliche) and these spheres where used to utilize teir natural abilities with ease without any cost except for the Augury Spheres themselves, and they also found a way to fuse them with weapons and armor, giving them strange properties.

[Kiriashi 117]

I will take it you are either around the age of 12 or get D's in English. I like the idea of the storyline and have re-written it to make a bit more sense and sound a bit better. Here is a slightly better version:

 

" There exists a magical world know as Altaria. The people of Altaria relied on 7 Mana Spirits for most of things; food, water, safe-being. These 7 Mana Spirits all had different elements to represent themselves; Fire, Earth, Water, Storm, Ice, Light, and Darkness.

 

Something went wrong, however. Strange occurrences have occurred on Altaria and the spirits have been imprisoned by strange, malevolent entities. These entities are nothing the world of Altaria has ever seen before. Why are they here? Where did they come from? What do they want? And is the man known as Edmund linked to all of these events Is he just an innocent bystander... Or something more sinister; a meer puppet to these odd events...

 

A young boy, out of his own curiosity, decides to investigate the matter thurther, totally unaware he gets himself thrown into a whole world-wide calamity."

 

Do you like it? I'd love to see your other concepts, also. This game sounds pretty good :D . I am also very talented when it comes to eventing so if you need any eventing help just ask.

 

 

An even better version:

 

Legends.. all worlds have stories, stories that become legends, and eventually myths. They become forgotten overtime. Some believe in them, others are skeptical of them and believe them to be total nonsense, but this story is much, much different. The story you are about to delve into will be remembered for all eternity, as reality.

 

There exists in the world, many lands, but the people of the land of Altaria -- a generally peaceful land -- is quite different in that it relies on the power of seven Mana Sprites (I said sprites instead of spirits because it makes a little more sense) to sustain the balance of nature, and to obtain the sustenances, resources, and life they need to exist in their world. These seven Mana Sprites obtain their pervasive supernatural power from seven elements in the form of aura essences that when apart balance Altaria, but when taken from their proper homes cause cataclysm.

 

These seven sprites are the sprite of Immolation and Flame, with its power of justice and fire it rids the world of evil creatures. The sprite of the Earth that maintains land for people to walk on and harvest from. The sprite of Water that fills the earth with nutrients and provides the people with drink, as well as a great force of nature to summon with. The sprite of the Storms that can turn even the smallest zephyr into a storm of torrents and gales to protect all other forces of nature. The sprite of Pure Hoarfrost, that can calm other forces with cold fusion, freezing their crazed powers and creating a balance between power and peace. And lastly the two twin sprites of Light and Darkness. The crepuscular powers of Acerbus -- the Sprite of Darkness -- are, or were, in a never ending war with the scintillant powers of Lumina -- the sprite of Light.

 

EDIT: For some reason the rest of my post didn't show up :( I had an awesome story add on for ya'. Oh well, you can just use what is there....