My Story Idea

[forcebreaker 0]

i have an idea for a story which i may or may not use in a game, but there is a part im haveing trouble working out. The story takes place (in modern day earth) on a fictional island in the middle of the atlantic ocean where a city had recently been built, and thus is curently scarcely populated. The builders want to poulate the city, so they offer sertain select individuals an invitation to this city where they will have garenteed Career advancemet, houseing, and basically a new start in life.

 

Now, im sure there are several problems with this setting, but the one im focusing on is this. In the story, one of the main characters discovers (well into the story) that many (infact, most) of the people of invited to the island have a criminal history, and the only inhabitants who dont are young children and a handful of women.

 

I know that this is kinda weird, but trust me, there's a shadowy reason in the plot, as to why these people where invited to the island. My question is, if such a large amassment of ex-criminals where to congregate to one area like they do in my story, logically, wouldent somebody notice that right away, think it suspicious and try to stop it?.....

 

Anyway, just tell me what you think. I didint want to say to much about the plot yet, but if anything isint clear enough just ask me to clearify.

 

And please be nice....im haveing writers block

Edited June 7, 2012 by forcebreaker

[Heretic86 25]

A story is not as important in the settings but in the details of the characters. Characters are what breathe life into a story. The way they talk. The way they interact. The way they feel about and interact with other characters. A story in any setting with the right words and characters can change a blank canvas into a masterpiece if the story and characters remain true to themselves.

 

If you want a good tutorial on storytelling, play some games that focus on story telling. Go play Alan Wake. The imaginative ficticious settings and non real things written into the story are crafted in such a manner that we as players can accept them as being real because the story explains how those things shift from the really real world and transition into the heavy elements of believable fiction.

 

But more for this crowds style, Chrono Trigger is by far one of my all time favorite games. Why? Because I think it was really the first game that fleshed out the characters instead of using the RPG aspects of the game to give an excuse for combat.

 

Both games are what I consider to be True Masterpieces of their day. They should be studied and understood more than just the stories they tell but why the storytellers told those stories in the ways that they did.

[Moonpearl 32]

Well if you're not saying much about your story, even if it is to avoid spoilers, then there's not much we can comment about in return. I mean, you don't judge a book after its first page.

[forcebreaker 0]

@ Moonearl- Yeah, your right....ill just have to find some time give more details...

[Jon Bon 43]

I agree with Heretic and Moonpearl 100%. What you have so far is barely the back of a book, and what you need to work on next is your character development. I think what you have so far is excellent, a great outline for a basic plot you can follow, totally changable at any time.

 

The builders want to poulate the city, so they offer sertain select individuals an invitation to this city where they will have garenteed Career advancemet, houseing, and basically a new start in life.

 

My question is, if such a large amassment of ex-criminals where to congregate to one area like they do in my story, logically, wouldent somebody notice that right away, think it suspicious and try to stop it?.....

You need to think about your 'intent' and the "shadowy reason" you mentioned when considering the above question. If these people are coming be request, then they are picked, if they are picked, there is a reason. Based on that logic you can go further on the fact that we know not all people in prison are truly 'bad people' and are merely 'criminals' by the terms of where they live. So it stands to reason a portion of the people present could be either, convicted wrongly, non violent convictions (petty theft, white collar crime, drug dealers, etc.). These kinds of people generally blend right into society and really make up a large portion of the 'lower classes', since we all cheat and steal just a 'lil in theory.

Because of this, I don't think it would likely be all 6'4" men with 4" wide shoulders, full tatoos sleeves. Nope there would be the con artists, the car theives, all kinds of smart and tough 'criminals'. Also don't discount women criminals, they have female prisons, so I would think there would be at least a 1/4 female population of real bad ass chicks.

 

I like the idea, and if done well I think it would make a great game. Stick with conceptually designing the story, and in my opinion go forward with character designs.

[forcebreaker 0]

LOL, thank you JonBon for your input. I havent forgot to include women, and also many of the "criminals" arnt necessarily bad people, and are reformed. Just normal people who made a few mistakes in the past and are wanting a new start for them selves and thier children. They merely have a history of criminal activity, which range from vandalism, arson, to more extream cases like drug dealing, and varying degrees Manslaughter. But....there are still those who are not actually reformed, and were also invited.

 

Now, when i get the time and the energy to write down an organized summery of the story as i have it in my head (which is pretty unorganized), ill post it here. Sorry for not giveing enough information.

 

Thanks also to you Moonpearl, and Heretic.

Edited June 8, 2012 by forcebreaker

[Jon Bon 43]

Totally man. Update this thread, and change the title as you need to, add a poll when needed, etc. I am following it, I will for sure check in as you conceptually design this seems interesting.

 

An idea, maybe one of the things that can tie all the people together is that they all claim to be innocent. Then they would be less likely to stand out, act out, or otherwise perceive themselves to be a threatening or a non civilian type person. This way even the true criminals who are lying about their innocents would likely still act innocent, and hide their evil intentions. In any case I think it'll be easy to hide the fact they are criminals from either the player or the characters.

 

I look forward to more, don't apologize for lack of anything, everyone is saying these things to help. You can't better without trying, and sometimes you need to make mistakes first.

[forcebreaker 0]

Ok...well, i havent been working on my story as much as id like to. What with my finaly finding a real job, ive been haveing trouble

prioritizing what i should be spending my time doing (besides getting everything sorted out with my new job, which by the way they said i should be starting sometime next week!! )

 

Anyway, heres some characters ive worked on, these arnt nearly all the characters which will appear in the game/story, just the ones im done with as of right now. Also, just FYI, dispite what it may seem, this is a Sience Fiction type story. So...here ya go, tell me what ya think.

 

Characters______________________

 

Simon Carders- The Dead Man Walking/ Protagonist

 

Time Line- Future, Day of the Blue Judgment

 

Age: 28

 

Height: 6.9

 

Weight: 189 lbs

 

Bio: Not much to say yet.... He woke up in a dark alley with no memory of who he was or how he had gotten there. All he knows is that what ever happened, he had been mortally wounded, and only has five minutes left to live and to find out the truth about Mayhark City and who he really is. Fortunately, with the ability to manipulate time which “The Laundry Man” gave him, he is able to make his last five minutes stretch to five days.

 

Further Information: He is dying from three bullet wounds to the chest and abdomen....but the bullets were fired from his gun, and didn’t actually enter his body till several minutes later after they were fired....

 

 

Wendy Jander- The “Gifted” Child

 

Time Line- Future, Post Blue Judgement

 

Age: 10

 

Height: 4.6

 

Weight: 76 lbs.

 

Bio: Her mother died and was confirmed dead when she was very young, and despite this she insists that her mother is still alive, and will one day come to take her away. The where abouts of her father are unknown, but she claims he also is still alive. When ever the sisters at the orphanage asked how she was so sure, she always said “…I just feel them.” Her apparent sixth sense only became stronger after she turned four. She found she could look into a persons heart and interpret their true intentions. Many were shrouded in a “blue aura” which she called “Guilt”, it made her feel alone and afraid. Soon after, word of her strange powers reached lofty ears, and men covered in the blue aura came and took her far away to an island city. Mayhark, the city of the blue light.

 

Further Information: On the day she first set foot in Mayhark city, she met a man named Serdian. The man kindly welcomed her with an out stretched hand. Timidly, she offered her hand also. And the moment his cold skin connected with hers, a flash of fear washed over her. Fearfully she looked, but only for a brief second, into the cold dark blue shroud that surrounded his heart. He looked like a man, but on the inside he was entirely something else.

 

Lead Raven- The Nightmare of Mayhark

 

Time Line- Present/Future, Post and Day of the Blue Judgement

 

Age: ??

 

Height: Those who have seen him and lived claim he is definitely 6 feet at least

 

Weight: ??

 

Bio: Since 2013, a notorious gang called the Raven Hoods has risen from the streets of Mayhark, and is responsible for many deaths and felonies. At the center of the gangs activities is a vile hateful man known only as Lead Raven, who is believed to be the gang leader. His true identity is well hidden, and some investigators question if Lead Raven is truly one person or even really exists at all. Many believe he was merely an invention of the gang to cause fear, an urban legend that keeps children awake at night.

 

Further Information: The Laundry Man claims that the key to discovering who killed Simon, and stopping the city wide gang war in the future, lies in uncovering the true identity of Lead Raven.

 

 

Really sorry about that, hope thats better.

Edited June 28, 2012 by forcebreaker

[Jon Bon 43]

For whatever reason when you copy stuff from text programs and other places it can add spacing you didn't intend. When this happens you should edit your posts to make them easier to read. Would you be so kind as to edit your post to remove the extra spacing, it is extremely hard to read and even harder to post a quoted reply to address the things you mentioned.

I like your stuff and would love to comment etc, but I feel it shouldn't take two to three times longer than necessary on my end.

Thanks in advance!

[forcebreaker 0]

For whatever reason when you copy stuff from text programs and other places it can add spacing you didn't intend. When this happens you should edit your posts to make them easier to read. Would you be so kind as to edit your post to remove the extra spacing, it is extremely hard to read and even harder to post a quoted reply to address the things you mentioned.

I like your stuff and would love to comment etc, but I feel it shouldn't take two to three times longer than necessary on my end.

Thanks in advance!

 

Sorry about that, i fixed it.

[Jon Bon 43]

Maybe I am being picky, but I think it has too many spaces still. Stylizing is very important when writing and posting forum threads. Don't be sorry, I learned it, you can too, and I am by no means perfect at it. In any case it is much more manageable now, I can actually see one whole character at a time.

Here is what I would have posted it as, now I can see all three characters on my screen at one time, and it's concise and clear.

 

 

Characters

 

---

Simon Carders- The Dead Man Walking/ Protagonist

Time Line- Future, Day of the Blue Judgment

Age: 28

Height: 6.9

Weight: 189 lbs

Bio:

Not much to say yet.... He woke up in a dark alley with no memory of who he was or how he had gotten there. All he knows is that what ever happened, he had been mortally wounded, and only has five minutes left to live and to find out the truth about Mayhark City and who he really is. Fortunately, with the ability to manipulate time which “The Laundry Man” gave him, he is able to make his last five minutes stretch to five days.

Further Information:

He is dying from three bullet wounds to the chest and abdomen....but the bullets were fired from his gun, and didn’t actually enter his body till several minutes later after they were fired....

---

Wendy Jander- The “Gifted” Child

Time Line- Future, Post Blue Judgement

Age: 10

Height: 4.6

Weight: 76 lbs.

Bio:

Her mother died and was confirmed dead when she was very young, and despite this she insists that her mother is still alive, and will one day come to take her away. The whereabouts of her father are unknown, but she claims he also is still alive. When ever the sisters at the orphanage asked how she was so sure, she always said “…I just feel them.” Her apparent sixth sense only became stronger after she turned four. She found she could look into a persons heart and interpret their true intentions. Many were shrouded in a “blue aura” which she called “Guilt”, it made her feel alone and afraid. Soon after, word of her strange powers reached lofty ears, and men covered in the blue aura came and took her far away to an island city. Mayhark, the city of the blue light.

Further Information:

On the day she first set foot in Mayhark city, she met a man named Serdian. The man kindly welcomed her with an out stretched hand. Timidly, she offered her hand also. And the moment his cold skin connected with hers, a flash of fear washed over her. Fearfully she looked, but only for a brief second, into the cold dark blue shroud that surrounded his heart. He looked like a man, but on the inside he was entirely something else.

---

Lead Raven- The Nightmare of Mayhark

Time Line- Present/Future, Post and Day of the Blue Judgement

Age: ??

Height: Those who have seen him and lived claim he is definitely 6 feet at least

Weight: ??

Bio:

Since 2013, a notorious gang called the Raven Hoods has risen from the streets of Mayhark, and is responsible for many deaths and felonies. At the center of the gangs activities is a vile hateful man known only as Lead Raven, who is believed to be the gang leader. His true identity is well hidden, and some investigators question if Lead Raven is truly one person or even really exists at all. Many believe he was merely an invention of the gang to cause fear, an urban legend that keeps children awake at night.

Further Information:

The Laundry Man claims that the key to discovering who killed Simon, and stopping the city wide gang war in the future, lies in uncovering the true identity of Lead Raven.

---

 

 

 

 

So here are my opinions.

 

He is dying from three bullet wounds to the chest and abdomen....but the bullets were fired from his gun, and didn’t actually enter his body till several minutes later after they were fired....

That part I underlined is not as sneaky as you think, that definitely gives away your last clincher, avoid telling people that. Good ending though, I think if you make sure to string people long enough it will be a surprise. That one line gave it away to me, but I see most commercial plots a mile away, so I think you have a good story here.

 

Many were shrouded in a “blue aura” which she called “Guilt”, it made her feel alone and afraid

The whole aura, sixth sense and using the color blue and guilt, is awesome man. I don't know if you grabbed that from somewhere or were inspired from other media, but that seems very well thought out, enough to be professionally written, in my humble opinion.

 

The whole 'laundry man' thing, that's memorable, and excellent sci fi use in my opinion.

 

Honestly, I don't know what else to say, you seem to have a really good world developing here.

 

I was going to gripe about the amnesia but since he has four minutes to live, I can't really complain, it's more a necessary plot device rather than a cliche.

I would say keep rolling with it, if you get stuck on specifics I would be happy to try and help. But this world leaves me wanting more of what you write, rather than making me want to add to it, which is good and rare when I read independent stuff.

I have zero complaints, it reminds me of the amazing movie Memento, keep writing this.

[forcebreaker 0]

@ Jon Bon - As always, thank you for your input. The color "Blue" is very important in my story, as you might have guessed. Im useing it to relay the emotions of sadness, guilt, and fear, all of which i believe have to do with Judgement. Of course blue can mean other, less somber, things but this is the way ive chosen to use it.

 

Im glad you liked the "sixth sence" thing. I Honestly dont remeber how i came up with it, cept just hours of brain storming.

 

Well, im definitely not going to give up on it yet. So, you really dont mind discussing some of the parts im have trouble fleshing out? I can never have to many people to bounce ideas off of.

 

Anyway, thanks again. Ill keep it updated.

[Jon Bon 43]

Well, im definitely not going to give up on it yet. So, you really dont mind discussing some of the parts im have trouble fleshing out?

 

I would love to and be honored. I am a much better editor than creative designer, and I myself always need 1 person minimum in order to create artistically. Ideas are free, I am always happy to share mine. If you ever get blocked you can personally message me or reply here. I am already starting to get a feel for the game, I think it would work well as a multi-path story.

-Cheers!